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User talk:ShadowLP
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the You Can Keep It page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:05, January 31, 2015 (UTC) Additionally, when adding a category, look at the Genre Listing as the categories you added to the story are not valid. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:35, January 31, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story. Starting with the smaller things, sounds should be in italics and all writing conventions are still applicable (meaning capitalization/punctuation rules) "Beep. Beep Beep. Beep Beep." Additionally numbers beginning sentences have to be written out as words as they need to be capitalized. "5 (Five)minutes later, I awoke. Beep. Beep Beep. Beep Beep." Your paragraphs also need to be more broken up. A typical paragraph has five-ten sentences. Your largest has twenty+. Punctuation issues: you can use a colon or quotation marks to indicate dialogue. (Although quotation marks are generally more accepted whereas beginning with a colon is more for plays/screenplays.) However they need to be separated out into new lines as there is no differentiation between dialogue and the story in its current form. I said: (")Y-y-y-you... can keep it!(") After the lesson(,) he sent it to the school's office.", "They said: No, you can keep it. I had to take it home.", "Clearly, with no shakiness in my voice I said: You can't. Then I laughed " Wording errors: "uhhh(,) a dun (duh,) no", " I said: Sory (sorry), i (it) was me(.") and laughed creepily", "He said he's (sic) give it back...", "To cure my life.", "screwed in and needed and (an) odd type of screwdriver to get to them. " (incomplete sentence, additionally needs re-phrasing) Also avoid beginning sentences with conjunctions as it is not grammatically correct and gives the story a choppy feel. Story issues: The protagonist hides the clock under his parent's bed and claims that they can't discover it despite the fact that it is making a racket every 12 hours seems a bit far-fetched. The all-caps phrases also seems gimmicky. You also overuse ellipses. Ellipses are to indicate a pause in dialogue. Using it in the story itself to indicate a dramatic pause comes off as melodramatic and pointless. (Especially when a comma or period serves the same purpose.)Additionally the insistence that this is based off of a true story breaks immersion and comes off as cliche. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 22:11, January 31, 2015 (UTC) :I would avoid wording poorly for effect as it rarely works out and is effective only in small doses. It still doesn't explain why they wouldn't investigate the sound that's occurring every 12 hours. (And since it's under the bed, it seems like it'd be pretty easy to find.) You can re-write it, but unless it is drastically different, you need to make a deletion appeal before you can re-upload it. I would suggest taking the re-worked version to the writer's workshop for feedback before attempting a deletion appeal. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 13:10, February 1, 2015 (UTC)